You Don't Own Your Body. Your Cat Does.

You Don't Own Your Body. Your Cat Does.

A Brief Guide to Feline Property Law

You may be under the impression that your body belongs to you.

This is a common misunderstanding among cat owners.

Legally, medically, and philosophically, you may have a compelling argument.

Under Feline Law, however, your case has already been dismissed.

Your body belongs to the cat.

How Ownership Is Established

Feline property law is remarkably simple:

If I am sitting on it, it is mine.

This applies to:

- Your lap

- Your chest

- Your stomach

- Your legs

- Your shoulder

- Your arm

- Your pillow

- And, occasionally, your face

Multiple cats may establish ownership simultaneously.

This is known as a condominium.

The Human Condominium

Unlike conventional condominiums, the Human Condominium is warm, self-heating, covered in soft materials, and capable of dispensing food.

Individual units may include:

The Shoulder Suite

Premium elevated accommodations with easy access to the human's cheek.

The Chest Suite

Highly desirable due to built-in heartbeat and breathing functions.

The Lap Suite

Ideal for extended stays while the human is attempting to work.

The Leg District

Popular overnight accommodation.

The Face Penthouse

Rarely requested.

Never appreciated.

Multiple Occupancy

If Cat A is sleeping on your shoulder, this does not prevent Cat B from occupying your torso.

You might mistakenly believe:

"There isn't enough room."

This is not your determination to make.

Cats will conduct their own zoning assessment.

If approximately three square inches of human remain exposed, another unit may be constructed.

Your Right to Move

You have none.

Once a cat falls asleep on any portion of your body, that body part is temporarily transferred to the cat.

Need the bathroom?

Denied.

Thirsty?

Plan better.

Phone six inches beyond your reach?

It belongs to your previous life.

Leg going numb?

The cat is comfortable.

Have work to do?

Your employer should have anticipated this contingency.

Sleeping on the Job

There is, however, an unusual provision in Feline Labor Law.

Some cats occupy the Human Condominium only while the human is awake.

This creates an impossible situation.

The cat is warm.

The cat is snoring.

You can hear his tiny heartbeat.

You are becoming extremely sleepy.

But if you fall asleep, the cat may wake up and leave.

You must therefore remain awake...

...while being actively sedated by a warm sleeping cat.

This is known as The Cuddle Paradox.

There is currently no known solution.

Eviction

Technically, you can move a sleeping cat.

Feline courts strongly discourage this.

Possible penalties include:

- One offended stare

- Immediate reoccupation

- Dramatic repositioning

- A tiny questioning meow

- Returning five minutes later

- Making you feel like an absolute monster

Most humans therefore choose voluntary imprisonment.

Rent

You might assume the cat owes you rent for occupying your body.

Incorrect.

You pay the cat.

Typical monthly expenses include food, treats, toys, litter, veterinary care, furniture, beds the cat refuses to use, and increasingly elaborate enrichment devices.

In return, the cat occasionally sleeps directly on top of you.

Humans generally consider this an excellent arrangement.

The Most Important Rule

There is one reason humans continue accepting these extraordinarily unfavorable terms.

Your cat has an entire home.

Beds.

Blankets.

Couches.

Chairs.

Cat trees.

Boxes.

Approximately seventeen places that would objectively be more comfortable than your rib cage.

And yet...

he climbs onto you.

He settles in.

His body gets heavy.

His breathing slows.

Maybe you hear a tiny snore.

And eventually you realize:

He didn't choose the most comfortable place in the house.

He chose the place where he feels most comfortable in the world.

You.

So no.

You don't own your body anymore.

But somehow...

you don't particularly want it back.